reeling...

i opened my door to step outside for a few moments, brave the cold of winter to throw away a smelly deposit made by my son and jumped at the unexpected presence waiting for me.

a stack of boxes, taller than me, piled silently and expectantly.

i looked at each one as i shivered in the cold, morning air.

wondering which one would hold what piece of my life, which box would carry which memory across the miles...

wondering.

i've been wondering a lot, lately.  wondering about the exact plan, destination.

wondering how one is to get over the pain that can occur, living in a small christian community.

wondering why some things are acceptable, just because they are done in His Name...

tonight, the wounding feels deep,  as i look at everything that needs to be sorted, divided, put away.

tonight, the questions ring loud and the tears fall heavy.

tonight, the wondering leads me to question the purpose of bringing us back to this ground, three years ago, when He knew it would all fall apart and leave me more heartbroken then when i first arrived.

tonight, i'm tired.

weary.

sad.

cold.

and i feel my spirit looking for Him, for His presence in all of this.  i may question His plan, but He has a purpose for this season of brokenness-in-every-sense or  He wouldn't have allowed it.

i have to believe this.

i can believe this...i have no choice.

for I know the plans I have for you... jeremiah 29:11a

forgive me for bringing it out again so soon, but i need to type out those words as i sit here, trembling.  i need to have the tangible in front of me as i sit here, uncomprehending.

i sit here, questioning the workings of an all-knowing, loving God and He gently brings to mind other words He spoke in the years before He came as a small babe...

for My thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways My ways,
declares the Lord.as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways
and My thoughts than your thoughts.
isaiah 55:8-9

and i want to fight against that, because i. want. to. know. the. why., the purpose to everything that He is allowing.  i want to know that He really does know that it's leaving me reeling in the wake.

so, He does...

as the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
 so is My word that goes out from my mouth:
it will not return to Me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
 vs. 10-11

this won't return to Him empty.  these wounds that now grace his, my heart, won't return to Jesus empty...why?  because His wounds that grace His beautiful Hands saved the lost-in-sin from death.

 

you will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
 vs. 12

He knows that the dreams i had are shattered, irretrievable...irreplaceable.  He knows.  He knows the anguish in my spirit as i war with the knowing that we are to leave and the not wanting to leave the ones who have become as dear as family.  He knows and still He promises that i can leave with joy, i will be led with peace.  when i have no idea how, when He doesn't make sense, i'm left with the lingering sensation that this is how it is to be sometimes.

and in the end, when i least expect it or maybe when i just stop looking for the answers, the Incomprehensible One will cause it all to bloom into exactly what He meant for it to from the very beginning...

instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
this will be for the Lord's renown,
for an everlasting sign,
that will endure forever.
 vs. 13

so, i can pack with hope.  joy, even, if you will.  knowing that He sees and knows and accepts my questions just the same.

peace will meet me on this road leading from here... 

someday, the pain will be beautiful.