no matter how big or small...

Sunday, March 20, 2011

she feels things so deeply.

more deeply than i realize at times.

we entered church doors that were unfamiliar this morning, despite the constant pouring over of links and web addresses during the week.

despite the feeling deep in my heart that *this* one was the one we should attend.

despite the feeling of blessing over the decision of choosing this church, it was still hard driving up.  walking up.  opening that door...

but the warmth and the welcome...nothing, nothing can ever compare to the genuine warmth that envelops with other believers.

but, she is still young, my tall lyla.  just 5 and old enough to feel this move deeply.  too young to know intimately the truth that Jesus is with her every step of the way.

i'm almost-no-longer 31 and i'm *just* learning that truth.

so when she turned into me and began to cry, when she clung to my legs, when she begged to go to church with mama and daddy, when hysteria entered the picture i knew i had to proceed with caution.

He was gracious in patience with me, my Heavenly Father Who moved me outside of where i wanted to be.  He moved slowly so that i could catch up...

i want her to know Him, to trust Him, to believe in His never-ending love.  i want her to feel free to turn to Him when fear looms and uncertainty becomes overwhelming.

she's so like me, miss lyla mae.  more than i wish for her at times.  i see my fear rippling over her face when she gives into the tears that are inappropriate for me as an adult.

and so, when what i really wanted to do was force her to stay and bulldoze past the fear, i took her hand and walked down the hallway and into the dark sanctuary.  i let her snuggle up next to me with her hand firmly planted, trusting that He can take every situation and mistake of mine and weave something beautiful and good from it.

the next time we go, it won't be as new. she watched as tony and i picked up elias and olivia; she saw that we kept our promise to gather them up and bring them home.  she saw the stickers in livie's hand and all over her shirt.  she saw that there is joy in an adventure no matter how small.

and we'll talk.  a lot.  we'll talk about whatever fears she has, we'll get to the heart of the matter...and she may not stay at her class...she may still choose to be close, but we'll keep talking and i'll keep showing her how much i love her.

because as i look back over my tear-stained journals, as i read through my blog entries, as i continue to talk to Him, i realize that the more i open my heart to Him, the more He assures me of His Love for me and His absolute sovereignty over my life.

and armed with that knowledge, the matter how big or small, become doable.

because my Daddy is with me...