Friday, May 13, 2011

her will has strength strong enough to break me.

it has broken me.

found me on my knees, shoulders slumped and tears threatening.

i feel helpless.


scared at the feelings that flit and flutter in the background, taunting me with the thought that i've lost her.

and she's not yet four.

when she calms and the tears have plastered her hair to her sweet face,

when her runny nose has been buried in my hair and we both find ourselves to be a mess together, i whisper in her ear,

oh olivia...i love you.  i don't always know how to do it perfectly, but i love you.  and Jesus loves you...

and you stiffen and you push against me and you yell,

no. He. doesn't!!!! and i don't like Him either!

and i look at you and shock makes my heart stop and i pull you against me and pray.

i. pray.


your will is so strong, sweet girl.

but His for you is so much stronger.

and the tears that have run  down your face onto mine ~ my hair all sticky from your nose that needs to be wiped and i look at us together; a mess.

a mess all fragile and strong because we are a mess and fragile together.

strong because your will is breaking my need to fix everything.

breaking me to my knees.

morning will dawn bright and early.  will probably find you curled up beside me with your fingers entwined in my hair, humming.

find you racing around to the other side of the bed if i roll over to face the other direction.

always, always you need to see my face first thing as the sun creeps in my room.

do you know, olivia grace, that same desire, the one that drives you from one side of the bed to the other so you can see my face is the same one that He's placed in you to drive you to seek His?

He loves you.

He. loves. you.

regardless of the fact that these words i place on this screen are ones you won't read for years.  i need you to know how desperately and dearly you are loved.

because everyone needs to know how desperately they are loved.

not just by parents or friends or lovers,

but by the very One Who created them.

He, olivia, Very God Himself loves you.

and you can fight that fact, you can scream and you can yell and you can push as far away as you can try, but that doesn't change the fact that He created you for Himself.

that He has a plan for you.

and He longs for you to seek Him.

i fail you so often,  forgetting that your first impression of Him is me.

flawed, imperfect, broken-yet-healing, me.

and yet, He chose me to be your mama.

crazy.  i know.

me, the one so intimidated by personalities the heave with strength.

He longs to strengthen me too.

and the only way He can is to allow me to break.

but if in the breaking, you find Him to be everything He promises to be, then i offer myself freely to Him.

because, livie, there is no other Face worth seeking in the early hours of a morning full of promise than His.

so run.

run in any direction you need to.

push and fight and scream and yell until you find Him and see Him there.

and may the moment you see His Face most clearly be when you look into mine...