when the decisions are too big...

Friday, September 23, 2011

the question began to loom over our heads a couple of months ago.

a question whose answer would change everything...

or change nothing at all.

one seemingly simple yes or no to determine what course our lives would follow.

oh, if only answering one way or another could really be that easy.

life-changing decisions weigh heavy.

they sink deep at the breakfast table,

they dog weary footsteps from one room to another,

but it was when i looked in the mirror and saw how heavily this decision was reflected back in my eyes that i knew i couldn't carry it alone.

so, i took it to Him,

my list that was frantic with worst-case scenarios,

dog-eared with constant ruminations over the overwhelming consequences that saying yes would bring.

as i laid it all out before Him, my worries poured out along with the tears, i whispered that i didn't know how to agree to what we believed He was asking.

there isn't enough...

not enough time,

laid out on the pages in front of me, it all seemed pretty clear.

i could say no and leave it at that.

there just isn't enough and i got up and walked away.

but He didn't.  He never does.

and while He may have taken a day or two allowing my heart to rest from the wrestle...

hot coffee in one hand and bible in the other, i sat down at my kitchen table all washed yellow in the sun.

clear headed and caffeinated, i turned the tissue-thin pages to the paper marking my place.

and it drew me in, as the four thousand were fed.

fed full with more left over to fill again.

and my mind wandered slightly as i tried to figure where the five thousand fit into the timeline, when He caught my attention and wouldn't let me go...

all piled in a boat, the motley crew of men realized they had forgotten to pack enough food for them all.

as Jesus sat teaching them, they grew more concerned over the fact that there was only one loaf of bread between them to share.

their worries drowned out the very Voice of God...

and Jesus, aware of this, said to them, "why are you discussing the fact that you have no bread? do you not yet perceive or understand? are your hearts hardened? having eyes do you not see, and having ears do you not hear? and do you not remember? when I broke the five loaves for the five thousand, how many baskets full of broken pieces did you take up?" they said to Him, "twelve." "and the seven for the four thousand, how many baskets full of broken pieces did you take up?" and they said to him, "seven." and He said to them, "do you not yet understand?"  mark 8:17-21

do you not yet understand?

after having just witnessed the Hands of Jesus tear apart bread and multiply it for thousands, did they really think He wouldn't provide for them?

after having witnessed His Hands orchestrate my life in the midst of pain and upheaval, when i'm left dizzy from the questions and yet astounded by His blessings, can i truly sit before Him and doubt that He will provide for in the middle of living out what He has asked me, us, to do?

do i truly not yet understand that He cares for His own?

can i honestly look back over my life and say, there!  that point right there!  *that's* where He left me to fend for myself! ?

there isn't one instance of my life that i have been abandoned,

or rejected,

or neglected,

by the One Who calls me His own.

worry hardens a heart, even a heart that has been in the presence of Jesus.

worry hardens and erases a soul's memories.

to trust Him preserves the miraculous, softens a jaded heart,

flings open a heart caged by worry and echoes joy deep down.

He has my yes.

and who knows how many baskets this miracle will have left over...