when one needs to take note...

Saturday, January 7, 2012

i sit in my chair at the kitchen table,

bent over a form needing to be filled in,

i get to the boxes that need to hold the day's date and my mind draws a blank.

i should know what day it is...

instead, i move from the spot where i am

to the spot near the fridge and look at the calendar hanging there

when it hits me...

two years ago today, we gathered together in that church to say goodbye to him.

one year ago the boxes were just beginning to pile,

just beginning to be filled with my life that felt so shattered.

and today felt so...


until we pile in that van and grab coffee and hot chocolate and sit and watch the kids be kids...

until we start up that road in the dark that leads to home and as the little ones behind us sing and tell jokes, we begin to share from our hearts.

and it's then, in those following moments when i feel my shoulders tightening,

hear my voice rising in that panicked strangle that seems to creep in when i don't want it to.

and the words my ears are hearing aren't really the cause of my reaction, because they are good words, kind words...words so full of Jesus.

it's my heart, you see,

and how scared i am to trust Him completely.

two years of uncertainty behind me,

two years of love and life being placed in a box held in hands not wanting to let go.

and the old doesn't want to give way to the new...

fear has a death-grip on this heart and the last thing it wants to do is let go.

i slip out for a while this evening,

meet a sweet friend for a cup of coffee,

we share from our hearts and the tension slips away with the laughter.

but it's when i am headed back in the direction of home that the verse learned long ago curls around the edges of my memory,

set up road signs;
put up guideposts.
take note of the highway,
the road that you take...
jeremiah 31:21

He calls out for that faithless daughter of His to return.

stop wandering and watch Him do a new thing.

and the old clings tight to a soul trying to shake it off,

but the plea of my Saviour doesn't ask me to fight,

instead He asks me to walk and to watch how i use my eyes.

and maybe a year named new is only found by looking for...

road signs to give warning, to remind to slow down...to take a moment to breathe deep and pray. stop moving faster than the One Who is there right beside me.

guideposts to know what direction to take...do i slip back into the ruts pressed deep from too many passes on the same old road, or do i forge a new path, a straighter one made True?

and after the looking, 

taking note of the difference, of the landmarks and plot out a new way of following, obeying and loving Him...taking and memorizing and walking a new path, no matter how hard because it's the only way this year will live up it its name.

it takes a day turned ordinary for these eyes to see that fork in the road,

it takes the memories burned deep for the choice to be made clear.

and i feel my heart begin to move forward...